And The Becoming

Legs are tired, and my body feels heavy. Every movement took, takes away a part of my remaining fuel. I feel drained and exhausted, and bed seems only solace. I don’t remember the last time I slept and for days I have been lying in this bed. There is no fan in the room, just a small window on the rear wall. The window panes are dark and I don’t see any reason for that. I feel wet in my own sweat. It has been two days and I still face the same wall. I can’t even see the whole of my room. And it is a small room. Not often I open my eyes, but when I do something seem to have changed. I get scared and shut my eyes again. Is there someone in the room? Is that person been here for long? Does that person keep a watch of all my moves? The more I think, the more I get scared and the more I resist opening my eyes again. It was just a while ago, a strange thought occur to me. I haven’t spoken in a week’s time or may be a month. It is hard to calculate as I can’t remember how long it has been si...

There comes a time, when ‘the last leaf’ stuck on the tree doesn’t seem to give one a reason to hold-on for one more day. There is nothing wrong with that leaf. It is still stuck to the very tree where it was supposed to be; but today something seems to have changed. May be its just the meaning of the association with the leaf that stopped giving the same signal as before, or maybe I started interpreting the signal differently. I felt something different about the leaf today. It did seem unfair, stuck alone on a dark winter day. The leaf looks tired today, or maybe I am noticing it for the first time. It must be hard to see every other leaf let go in this dark, cold brutal winter. And harder to be the last one; continuing to wait for its turn. I felt responsible for it, also a little threatened. The leaf stared back at me for the first time today. I could see that searching look, and anguish deep seated in its stare. My hope today turned out to be a selfish exchange of misery and des...

I smell vinegar on my skin Decaying body and it begins Worms inside swirl and wisp Dark phantom holds the whip The razor, sharp on its edge Melted pieces, nails and threats Noises shriek in my head  Poison is it? As I bled Clotted crumbs of deeds Nothingness in me breeds The hollow in there screams To me malicious it seems Shadow abandons me at last Phantom walks with me in dark

An idea with the most peculiar smell Has stuck to my head like never before The one which was easier to hold Didn’t turn out to be the easiest to let go It has shared space in my head I can’t even remember since when But it never fails to annoy me And still continues to stay and breed I have stayed in this body long enough Still at times I feel this sense of alienation And experience the restrictions posed to me As a price paid for taking refuge in it

It doesn’t need steel to pierce through your heart and rip it apart It doesn’t need reason to snatch your crumb and push you away I rinse soap on my skin hard to let go the colour I shower thrice each day not to smell of my deviance Difficult is not to be a black sheep among the whites But to pretend to be white when you know you are not

The untouched skin of the self Amazes me like the fluidity of existence The facade of knowing something Wonders at the idiocy I put out for sale The mask wore over the mask Reminds me eyes beneath never changed And the revelation of the truth Mocks at the wisdom which I just bought

I was not trying to build a castle either in the air or on a sea-shore. Still wind and wave challenged my efforts. I wasn't trying to either hide my gold or run away with someone else’s. Still I was being chased and hunted. I was in no mood to either sing or dance on your tune. Still you made me swirl and scream in a whirlpool. I was just trying to do what I want to do. But I was questioned for daring not to do what I am expected to do.